Exclusive: McDonald's closings part of New World Order martial law plot

Credit: Mike Mozart via Flickr

There's an absolutely ridiculous conspiracy theory making the rounds which alleges that a recent spate of sudden Walmart store closings is tied to practice military operations by the U.S. government, all as a prelude to imposing martial law and concentration camps.

We refuse to force our fingers to type out the words of idiocy necessary to detail this  theory, and we've made them type lots of stupid sh*t, as regular Fritterati readers know. But here's a link to a Google search for Walmart and Jade Helm 15, the military drill in question, if you're curious.

One video about the Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory features pedestrian footage of a closed Walmart and a conspiracy nut named DAHBOO777 droning on about what it all means, which of course is martial law.

Here's the thing, though: This particular video has amassed more than 650,000 views in just four days! Maybe DAHBOO777 is less loony than we thought. 

It's time we got in on this booming conspiracy nut market. But instead of grabbing onto the second-hand coattails of already established conspiracy theories, we've decided to start our own crazy theory. And we got a good one. It didn't even take long, since all you need to do is start with one "fact" and surround it with sinister speculation and vague questions.

OK, here goes: McDonald's is closing hundreds of stores around the world as part of a New World Order plot to impose martial law! Or maybe Sharia law; we'll have to check both terms on Google Trends before we decide. 

Do we have evidence? It's right before your eyes. Think about it: McDonald's has been reporting serious financial problems in recent quarters. But go to your neighborhood McDonald's and look around. Can you honestly say that it looks like same-store sales are down 2.6%? Who are you going to believe? Your eyes or the McDonald's CFO -- who, it should be noted, conveniently assumed that position just last month and previously spent a year in London (home of many Muslims) and six months in Sweden (home of many Swedes).

With whom did he meet during his time "abroad"? Strangely, that information is missing from his biography, and the girl we got a chocolate shake from through the drive-through window pretended she had no idea what we're talking about. You're not dealing with one of the regular idiot customers, my dear.

OK, so now that we've established McDonald's is using "poor financial performance" as a cover story -- and that the CFO has received some kind of training overseas -- the question becomes, a cover for what?

Go to a local Walmart and look around. Chances are you'll see a McDonald's within view. (And did you ever stop to wonder why?) So if you're gearing up your retail stores to act as giant processing stations for imposing global martial law, what are you going to need? Nearby satellite processing and holding centers, of course. All connected by massive underground tunnels.

Also, we saw a police cruiser drive by our local McDonald's the other day. Again, why? Why wasn't the cruiser elsewhere, like on a street with no McDonald's? At some point you have to stop calling everything a coincidence.

The questions answer themselves, if you have the courage to ask them, and then don't really think hard. Or at all.

Remember, you read it hear first. Also, please share. We need the page views to warn others before it's too late.

This story, "Exclusive: McDonald's closings part of New World Order martial law plot" was originally published by Fritterati.

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